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Mutants On Parade 3/17/06
by Lance Norris

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Just Like Falling Off a Bike

Just Like Falling Off a Bike
This is the week that was:

Ok, every now and again some jackass actor will do a 'ride along' with the police to get a feel for what it's like to be a real cop, or do a mock basic training camp to get ready for a war movie. It's not going to help their performance anymore than noodling around on a Casio Keyboard would give them insight into what it was like to be Mozart, but for the most part no one gets hurt, so it's no big deal; but Reese Witherspoon (JACK THE BEAR) has gone too far this time!

In Mark Palansky's (THE SAME) new film PENELOPE, the recent Oscar winning Witherspoon plays a small part as a pizza delivery girl in London. To prep for the role she is taking bike-riding lessons and plans to spend time with real delivery boys to learn the ropes. I really like Witherspoon but how dumb do you have to be to have to take bike-riding lessons? Probably about as dumb as you need to be to believe Witherspoon is going to hang out with Pizza Boys.

Witherspoon is also producing the film, which goes a long way towards explaining why she would choose to follow up WALK THE LINE with such a small part. And talk about perfect casting: Christina Ricci (PECKER) plays the title character, Penelope, who is cursed with the snout of a pig

Witherspoon made headlines last month, pre-Oscar win, when she shattered Julia Roberts' (HOOK) record and became the highest paid actress of all time, signing a US$29 million deal to star in OUR FAMILY TROUBLE. Of course, Reese is also the producer on that film so maybe the story about her getting a 29 million dollars pay check are about as true as the story that she's really going to be spending any actual time with pizza delivery boys.

That's about all I have to say about Reese Witherspoon, because the last person to piss her off, paparazzo Todd Kevin Wallace, was found dead in Brentwood last month. The cause of death will be announced following toxicology tests.


George Clooney (THE GOLDEN GIRLS) is all pissed off
Blog Wild

Blog Wild
about comments attributed to him that appeared on dilettante Arianna Huffington 's blog. Clooney agreed to let Huffington use his thoughts and criticisms about America's Democratic party for her Huffington Post site, but had no idea his comments would be misrepresented. The angry Oscar winner says, exclusively on a blog posted here at Mutants On Parade, "What she (Huffington) most certainly did not get my permission to do is to combine only my answers in a blog. That misleads the reader into thinking that I wrote this piece. These are not my writings, and I would put my shoe up her ass if Bill Maher's head wasn't in the way." (Editor's note: the Bill Maher (DC CAB) comment might have been cobbled together from other sources)

Here's a stretch: Oscar winner Benicio Del Toro (SIN CITY) will play the title role in a remake of THE WOLF MAN. SE7EN writer Andrew Kevin Walker has just finished the script and shooting is slated to begin as soon as Del Toro wraps work on the Che Guevara biopic GUERRILLA. No director has been attached yet, but Walker is the same guy that wrote 8MM and SLEEPY HOLLOW, so hopefully they can use some of the money they are going to save on not needing make-up to transform Del Toro into a wolf to bring in a good re-write man.

In a pathetic attempt to seem edgy, children's book author, mother of two and devout Kabbalahist, Madonna (DICK TRACY) claims she is being forced to edit her new video for the single 'Sorry' because the record company thought it was too rude. I'm guessing there were too many close-ups of the faded porn-star, and not enough of the hot dancers behind her.

Keanu Reeves (POINT BREAK) prefers to laugh rumors that he is gay off rather than contact his lawyer. Even the stories that he was steffen David Geffen (PESONAL BEST) back in 1995 couldn't rile THE MATRIX star, as he told PageSix.com, "I try not to live my life by what other people say. People were gossiping about what the king and queen were doing way back when." Yes,
Throw Like a Girl

Throw Like a Girl
heavy is the head that wears the tiara.

Paul Greengrass (THE BOURNE SUPREMACY) has signed up to direct Matt Damon (GERRY) in the third installment of the action franchise, THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM. The bad news: Greengrass was quoted at the Empire Awards in London this week as saying, "We've got a script and we're underway. It's a new story, completely different from the novel" because, of course, author Robert Ludlum (THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND) had no idea how to tell a story. Thank Christ Hollywood is there it fix his mistakes. The good news: Tom Stoppard (BRAZIL) and Tony Gilroy (ARMAGEDDON) are writing the new Bourne script (well, at least Stoppard is good), and Joan Allen (PLEASANTVILLE) is coming back again as Pamela Landy. The old news: Matt Damon still doesn't know how to throw a punch so they'll have to fix all the fight scenes in editing again. The production is planning to start filming in Germany late this summer.

In other secret agent news: 66-year-old Tina Turner (MAD MAX 3) has been asked to record the theme song to the new James Bond movie CASINO ROYALE, because, you know, when you are trying to breath fresh life into a dieing franchise, you want to go with an artist on the cutting edge of the youth culture for your theme song. I guess Lulu (TO SIR, WITH LOVE) wasn't available.

Colin Farrell (DAREDEVIL) has won the 1st round in his legal battle to keep a sex tape he made with Nicole Narain (FEAR FACTOR) from being released. Now if he could only keep THE NEW WORLD from coming out on DVD.

Lindsey Lohan (MEAN GIRLS) tells the Daily News today that she wouldn't do a nude scene unless it was a role that would win her an Oscar. So, unless they use a double body for the actual acting scenes, I guess we'll never see that Lohan movie, will we?

And Finally: Jon Voight (ZOOLANDER) has replaced Nick Nolte (THE DEEP) in the cast of PRIDE AND GLORY reportedly because Nolte's knee was acting up. Yeah, he kneeded to see the man about his fix.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.

Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns

Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here

If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.

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