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Mutants on Parade 3/10/06
by Lance Norris

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
Here's the week that was:

To help the Academy Award's slumping ratings next year Joe Rogan (VENUS & VEGAS) will host and the stars will have to debase themselves to win Oscars... Oh wait, they already do that. Damn. Maybe they have to start making better movies instead.

Reason Number 103 for Not Watching BASIC INSTINCT II on the Big Screen: 48-year-old Sharon Stone (CATWOMAN) revealed this week that she does another nude scene in the sequel

John Oats (LUCY: DAUGHTER OF THE DEVIL) was at the Berklee College of Music this week to teach a class in 'Never Break Up The Duo If You Aren't The Pretty One'. Future guest lecturers will include, Andy Ridgley(LIVE AID), Art Garfunkle (BOXING HELENA), Dave Stewart(HACKERS) and Sonny Bono (THE LOVE BOAT) from the grave.

Alleged musician
Yawni

Yawni
Yani was arrested for trying to kill his girlfriend in Florida last week. Apparently he played her some of his favorite Pan Flute song in an attempt to bore her to death.

The French woman who got the face transplant is now demanding half a million dollars from any US TV station that wants to tell her story. Sounds like the doctors need to go back and remove her new head from her ass.

The World Health Organization announced that Bird Flu is now a greater challenge to the world that AIDS! So, I guess we can start ignoring Bird Flu now too.

Mike Tyson's (CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES) former speed bag Peter "The Hurricane" McNeeley (PIZZA HUT ADS) got arrested this week for assault and robbery. Some guy claims the former heavy weight boxer hit him several times outside a bar and took his wallet. Authorities
Kim-possible

Kim-possible
are pretty sure it was McNeeley because the victim was hit several times and no damage was done.

As much as I hate Jay Mohr (KING'S RANSOM) for making KING'S RANSOM, his short-lived 1999 Fox series ACTION is finally on DVD and you should check it out. ACTION was a great show and you get to see where Jeremy Piven (ONE CRAZY SUMMER) ripped off all his ENTOURAGE moves. It's kind of nice to see someone ripping Mohr off for a change.

And finally: Rapper Lil' Kim (JUWANNA MANN), currently serving a year sentence at a detention center in Philly for perjury and conspiracy charges, is now complaining that her breast implants have started to leak and she needs to get out of jail to have them removed. If that's the case then she better change her stage name to Really, Really Lil' Kim or she'll be up on more perjury charges.

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Ask a Bitter Man
Every Thursday

Lance Norris gives us his opinions on the state of film, vents about Hollywood, and generally lets his thoughts fly.


Other Columns
Other columns by Lance Norris:

Later On Croutons

Mutants On Parade 11/12/09

Mutants On Parade 11/5/09

Mutants On Parade 10/29/09

Mutants On Parade 10/21/09

All Columns


Lance Norris
Lance Norris, dubbed "Boston's only straight Film Critic" reviews movies for WZLX in Boston.

He has two books entitled Ask A Bitter Man: The Best of 1984 - 1999 Vol. 1 and I've Seen Better Film On The Teeth of Wolverines. which you can buy here


Contact
If you have a comment, question, or suggestion, you can send a message to Lance Norris by clicking here.


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