This week I'm reviewing the reviews for STEALTH, and I have to say, it wasn't easy. I really had to scour the Earth to find someone to like this flying flop-house, but I put the nose to the grindstone and managed to wrangle in the names of three more critics who you should cross your list of credibility. I would like to take this time to mention how joyous I am looking at the grosses for this Summer and seeing that STEALTH and THE ISLAND have raked in a combined $48 million, while costing the studios a combined $228 million in production costs alone. Hopefully, this is a trend in movie viewing, and the masses aren't so easily won over anymore by inane crap that doesn't even try to be a decent film. Hear me, misters Bay and Cohen? Inane. Crap.
But don't tell these reviewers I found. Apparently, they are oblivous to sucktacular "films," and judging by this, I would also assume that they are unable to distinguish between a fine steak dinner and an earthworm smoothie. Who are these lost souls, doomed forever to derive enjoyment from the bottom of Hollywood's barrel? Shadow on the Wall's Rich Cline, Blackflix.com's Samantha Ofole-Prince, and Gerry Shamray of Cleveland Sun Newpapers. Hold your nose.
Mr. Cline falls to pieces with his lovefest for crap, erroneous in many ways, with the stand-outs being:
- Begins his review by acknowledging the movie's complete stupidity, yet justifying it because it's "dumb fun." As anyone who has ever seen Carrot Top can tell you, "dumb" is never "fun." "Pathetically laughable," perhaps, but never "fun."
- Calls director Rob Cohen (XXX, Fast and the Furious) an "expert at mindless moviemaking." Now, in my view, I can't comprehend how someone can be an "expert" at being "mindless," simply because "expert" implies a mastery of craft, and "mindless" implies a certain level of mental retardation.
- Describes the alleged performances from stars Josh Lucas and Jessica Biel as "solid," when there's been plenty of precendence set for both actors to suggest otherwise (see also: THE HULK, SUMMER CATCH, BLADE: TRINITY, SWEET HOME ALABAMA, et al).
Mr. Cline is inarguably crazy, crazy for feeling so satisfied by this movie. Crazy for tryin', crazy for writin', crazy for watchin' this crap.
Our next reviewer, Ms. Samantha Ofole-Prince of Blackflix.com, made me laugh aloud at some of the things she wrote. What things?
- More than half of her sparse review is not an actual review, rather just a description of the films events. Honey, that's called "spoiling" a film, not "reviewing" a film. Get it straight.
- Denounces the complex levels of military jargon and techno-speak that confuses and distracts the viewer. Now, go back and read that again: confused and distracted. At a Rob Cohen film. I pray that this woman doesn't accidentally find herself in a Cronenberg or Aronofsky film, for I fear she may be so "confused and distracted" that she may never find the exit and then die of starvation.
- Uses the term "scours" to represent a large number of women slept with by star Jamie Foxx, in the same manner you would use the terms flock, herd, group, plethora (jefe?), or pack. Did Ms. Ofole-Prince mean to say "scores," or did she mean that the group of women had been cleansed in boiling water and/or had a case of livestock diarrhea? The world may never know.
I hope those poor scalded women get over their cattle diarrhea. Can't believe that Jamie Foxx would try to pick up a girl like that, let alone an entire scourful.
Dragging up the rear is Cleveland's own Gerry Shamray, which, after the disintegrating ray and electromagnetic ray, is my favorite ray. What can we discredit him for doing?
-This is Shamray's opening line, with no edits made: "Filled with swift action, eye-popping CGI effects, quick one-liners and a likable cast, STEALTH is on target as the perfect summer movie. It could be the sleeper hit of 2005."
I think my work here is done. Mr. Shamray, your's may be, too.
Tune in in two weeks to find out who else is stupid in the world of critique. Until then, KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!!
But, you know, not really.
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|Review of the Review|
Every other Thursday
Adam R. Davidson holds the critics' feet to the flame in making them accountable for the reviews that they publish.
|Adam R. Davidson|
Adam R. Davidson is a struggling writer with a heart of gold and a bank account of hopes and dreams and little else. He probably knows way too much useless crap for one person's lifetime, and wears a size 8 hat.|
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