So I was sitting at home the other day with my girlfriend... okay, my friends...okay, my parents... watching DELTA FORCE 2 on AMC (because nothing says American Movie Classic like Chuck Norris flying through the air screaming "Mrrrraaaagghh!"). We were eating our chicken marinara microwavable TV dinners (motto: "Tastes Like Chicken!") when the movie cut to commercials. This is when the evening truly got interesting. A preview came on for the new WAR OF THE WORLDS flick starring Tom Cruise. I glanced over at my father and noticed his eyes had that glossy, I-just-saw-a-ghost-or-Joan-Rivers look. He seemed to be in a trance. "What's the matter?" I asked. "Déjà vu," he replied.
I knew exactly what he meant. My dad no doubt recalled strolling past his neighborhood movie theater in 1953 and seeing ads for, yup, WAR OF THE WORLDS. Or it could have just been a bad reaction to the chicken. Either way it got me thinking about that which is currently plaguing our theaters: film remakes. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY is due out soon. BEWITCHED and THE HONEYMOONERS have already successfully butchered their original TV counterparts. The rehash of THE LONGEST YARD hardly ran its title feat on screen.
Now, my qualm is not so much with the presence of remakes. I understand that Hollywood rarely looks into our world and creates an original film that reflects it. No, that would be reality, and TV has dibs on that. I only take issue with the fact that current, and, indeed, past remakes were mostly poor imitations of initially successful films. We have the above as examples, but, in perhaps the most extreme case, not too long ago, there was talk of a CASABLANCA remake starring Jennifer "J. Lo" Lopez and Ben "Ben Affleck" Affleck. Great! And maybe 50 Cent could play Sam! This almost makes you glad they chose GIGLI instead, doesn't it? Can you imagine if this is what happened to everything that ever worked? "The Constitution," rewritten by Tom Clancy. "The White Album," re-recorded by the winners of "American Idol." World War II re-fought by the Dallas Cowboys and the cast of "The Partridge Family" (something tells me Bonaduce's into it). Would it kill studios to give us a good version of, say, HEAVEN'S GATE or NIGHT OF THE GHOULS (one of Ed Wood's concoctions)?
But do I really have any hope of winning this battle? Not likely. The PLANET OF THE APES remake of 2001 churned out $180,011,740 according to Exhibitor Relations Co., Inc. Not to mention remakes usually have a secure base audience—those who remember the original. And, with the price of a movie ticket approaching that of a nuclear submarine, producers will make whatever reels in the cash. I will probably see the new "War of the Worlds" movie and report it here. As for the rest of the year, brace yourself for remakes of both FAHRENHEIT 451 and LOGAN'S RUN, plus God knows what else. It won't be easy, but as long as there are remakes, I'll be around to tell you how much better the original was. Hopefully, if enough of you agree, a petition can be composed to ban bad remakes of good films. Until then, it's "here's looking at you"... dawg.
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Every other Wednesday
For anyone who's ever been told "You should have seen the original," this column provides insight into any film that’s been remade, rehashed, or re-envisioned.
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| Jonathan Alexandratos |
Jonathan is a college student in New York. He is already an accomplished writer, having completed 3 full-length plays and numerous poems. He is also working on his first book.
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